I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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