I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
