I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
