I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
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i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
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What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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