I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
please come you make the beer taste better
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
