Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
