he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
