Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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