I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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