No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
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