Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
