I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
