wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
