i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
