God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
