So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
