I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I need a beard to bite.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
