I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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