I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
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