You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
