I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
