I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
