they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
