21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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