We won't sleep together?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
