It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
