Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
