we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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