Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
