just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I want a musical about memes.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Two words: nipple clamps
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