everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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