it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
