Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
