My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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