You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Can you bring me the toilet please
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
