Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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