as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
