i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
