just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
