So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
