what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Found your dick twin last night
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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