Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
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