I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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