is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
