I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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