She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
