Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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