So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
