I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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