Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
