Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
