I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
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i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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